Maxim Online: World O'Sex
Did we expect the ultrasuave 007 to talk about bad beer, Austin Powers, and condom-free shagging? No, Mr. Bond, we expected you to die.
Byline: Steven Russell
Photo: Nigel Perry
Do you pick the Bond Girls?
For Tomorrow Never Dies, I went to the screen test, and it was a wonderful day because the girls, each and every one, were gorgeous. This time around I was making another movie.
Besides years of Shakespearean training, what are the best qualities for a Bond Girl to have?
She’s gotta be sexy—foxy eyes, good body, great ass. Soon as you see her, you just want to be madly in the sack with her, fucking your brains out.
How long will people stay interested in 007?
I’m sure somebody’s waiting in the wings to pick up my Walther P99 when I put it down. Shit, I’m the fifth guy to play this dude. [To waiter] Can you leave that fork? I like that fork.
Hey, is that a laser-firing fork that Q gave you or something?
No, it’s just a good-looking fork.
Sure it is. When was the last time you wished you actually had a license to kill?
Yesterday afternoon at about 5:45. I was reading an article by a critic who thinks I’m a piece of shit, and I just wanted to fucking eat his face. Instead you walk into a bar and say, “Give me a large vodka martini, shaken not stirred, straight up with a twist.”
Do people insist on buying you martinis all the time?
Quite often. Or bored bartenders want to do that shaken-not-stirred routine. It’s just one of those things you live with. I think I’m checking myself into a program next week. [Hiccups and takes a gulp from his second Beck’s of the conversation]
Do you prefer beer?
There are different drinks for different occasions...but beer fits almost any occasion, in my book.
That’s a good book. Being Irish, do you prefer dark beers you can pour on pancakes?
I guess I drink light beer more than I drink dark beer, now that I live in California. But you end up drinking this…Some of it’s like piss water—no body, no kick. It’s wet and it’s watery.
Yeah, well, Irish food sucks.
I was brought up on very bad Irish stew. My aunt Eileen made amazing bread, but Irish stew...I think the main ingredient was gristle.
We also know that you’re a scotch drinker, so we’ve devised a multiple-choice single-malt quiz for you.
I’ll name three scotches, and you identify which one is the fake. Here goes: Glenallachie, Glengollum, and Glenfarclas.
They’re all fake.
Quit stalling, Mr. Bond.
God, I don’t know. Glenallachie is fake?
Actually, Glenallachie is known for its full-bodied, slightly sweet flavor. Glengollum, on the other hand, is the word glen combined with the name of a creature from The Hobbit.
J.R.R. Tolkien. Well, I blew that.
Do Bond parodies blow?
Ah, The Spy Who Shagged Me. I met Mike Myers at a party and said, “So you’re the guy who’s been taking the piss out of me.” But I love Austin Powers. I told Mike that if he’d be in my movie, I’d be in his. He sent me the script, but I was too busy.
Does it honk you off that he gets more tail than 007 these days?
Way to go, man. Get that tail.
Does Bond wear condoms?
No! Of course he doesn’t. He doesn’t have time for that. Shit, he’s going to get his nuts shot off in about two seconds—he’d better fuck her and fuck her fast. [To passing waiter] Hey, does James Bond wear condoms? [Waiter: “No, I don’t think so.”] Good answer. That’s what I said. [Waiter: “But nowadays maybe he should.”] Oh.
What’s the deal with all these product endorsements that come with being a ’90s Bond?
Yeah, I got pissed off last time. Tomorrow Never Dies was really just an assault. It was vulgar.
BMW threw a zillion dollars at the producers. What if Kia had made a better offer?
Well, Bond’s car should be an Aston Martin, but money talks.
And what do you drive?
Um, a BMW. Two BMWs.
What are some other fringe benefits of playing Bond?
Well, I was flying to Fiji once on a light aircraft and the pilot says, “Do you want to take the controls?” So he’s just sitting over there looking at his charts, and I’m having a good old time flying the plane. Then he says, “Do you want to land?” I said, “No, I don’t want to land.” Anyway, we get out, and he asks how long I’ve been flying. “I don’t fly, for fuck’s sake,” I said. I guess he thought I was James Bond.
Do you own a pair of Bondlike monogrammed pajamas?
Have you ever had a Bond-inspired dream?
I don’t wish one. Unless I can make money off it.
How would 007 be different if he were an American spy?
He’d be George Clooney.
No, I mean what if James Bond the character were American.
Probably less reserved. Next question.
So who do you think would make a good Bond when you start sagging like Roger Moore in A View to a Kill?
I don’t even want to think about
that. That sounds like…death.
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